What would Kevin and Anthony do if they had 24 hours to live?
Kevin and Anthony are eating lunch in the cafeteria. They briefly talked about sports, and after an awkward pause, Kevin started a new topic of conversation by asking Anthony this question:
“So, if you had 24 hours to live, what would you do?”
“Huh… if I had 24 hours to live?” Anthony said.
“Yeah. What would you do?” Kevin asked.
“Man, honestly, the first thing I’d do is buy a shit tonne of drugs and take them. I would pull some Fear and Loathing shit, ya know?”
“Wait, for real? That’s all you want to do? You have 24 hours left to live and all you would do is take a bunch of drugs?”
“Yeah, that’s all I want to do.”
“There’s nothing else? Like, you wouldn’t make peace with someone you’ve resented for a while or something like that so you could die in peace?”
“Nah.”
“Really?”
“Well, actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I would probably fuck up all the people that wronged me. All of them. Like, you remember that dork Jack from Eastern? That bitch made my life a living hell in high school, constantly making me feel dumb and shit ‘cause I was bad at chemistry. He was bad at it too. He just did a little better than me.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. I would find him and fuck his entire life up. Like, I’m gonna kidnap him; then I’m gonna molly-whop his ass in a dark alleyway; and then I’m gonna handcuff him up somewhere there, strip his pants and spank him ‘till his asscheeks look like purple grapes. Disrespectful, right? And then, I’m gonna go tell his parents that he was stabbed and killed at a gay bar. You know how religious they are. And then I’m gonna rob them and use that money to buy loads of drugs.”
“What. The. Fuck, dude? Why do you have so much hatred in your heart?” Kevin responded.
“And I’m not stopping there, either. I’m gonna book an appointment at the Bunny Ranch and fuck hoes, while I’m high on coke and ecstasy, until I run out of swimmers. Get me? If I’m going out, I’m going out.”
“Again, what the fuck?”
“Hey man, you asked for a truthful answer and I gave you one. If I’m dying tomorrow, I’m dying with a grudge-less heart and empty nuts.”
Sigh.
“Don’t shake your head at me. What would you do Mr. Judgy?” Anthony asked.
“I don’t know… I think it would be cool to rent a huge cabin somewhere with a basketball court and just play basketball and party all night with family and friends.”
“Gay. You’re telling me you wouldn’t fuck any bitches? Or get high? Or fuck anyone up? These are your last 24 hours to live.”
“Well, I’d probably go talk to this cute girl in my psychology class. And invite her to the cabin and just hang out with her.”
“Again, gay. You wouldn’t want to fuck her?”
“Hey man, you gotta stop calling me gay and shit. I’m not gay! And it’s homophobic.”
“Okay, geez… Well, would you?”
“Would I what?” Kevin asked.
“Would you fuck her?” Anthony reiterated.
“Well… yeah, I would probably try to.”
“I think you would do more than try. And what about the drugs? I know you love them edibles.”
“Well yeah, of course I’m doing edibles. I am having a fucken party, after all. And you know what, I’m gonna get blasted, too. It is my last day on Earth. And I’m gonna have sex with that girl until my swimmers are gone, too.”
“Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t be all gay and shit if you had 24 hours to live.”
“Yeah. Anyway, what time is it?” Kevin asked.
“1:40. Why?”
“Okay. I gotta head to class now.”
“Same class as that girl?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, okay, Romeo. I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, later.”